Woody Allen Quotes (1935-)

Actor, Writer, Musician

About Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart KΓΆnigsberg on December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, comedian and musician.

Best Woody Allen Quotes

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Explore our curated collection of the most famous and impactful Woody Allen quotes.

β€œChange is death.”
Woody Allen
β€œSex alleviates tension. Love causes it.”
β€œMy brain: it's my second favorite organ.”
Woody Allen
β€œI tended to place my wife under a pedestal.”
β€œMarriage? That's for life! It's like cement!”
Woody Allen
β€œ...years of insanity have made this guy crazy!”
Woody Allen
β€œI'm not saying I didn't enjoy myself, but I didn't.”
β€œEternal nothingness is O.K. if you're dressed for it.”
Woody Allen
β€œI'm not really the heroic type. I was beat up by Quakers.”
Woody Allen
β€œMoney is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”
Woody Allen
β€œNot only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.”
β€œHarry: Tradition is the illusion of permanence.”
Woody Allen
β€œI bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.”
β€œTaste my tuna casserole β€” tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.”
β€œWhat a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.”
Woody Allen
β€œ[The universe is] haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.”
Woody Allen
β€œWhat has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!”
β€œTo you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
β€œIt figures you've got to hate yourself if you've got any integrity at all.”
Woody Allen
β€œMaybe the poets are right. Maybe love is the only answer.”
Woody Allen
β€œDeath is like a colonoscopy, the problem is that life is like the prep day.”
Woody Allen
β€œI can't get with any religion that advertises in Popular Mechanics.”
Woody Allen
β€œI don't believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.”
Woody Allen
β€œWhen I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”
β€œIt's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

Woody Allen Quotes by Topic

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Woody Allen on God 5 quotes

β€œTo you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.”
Woody Allen
View all 5 quotes on God →

Woody Allen on Human sexual activity

β€œIt is if you're doing it right.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Marriage

β€œMarriage? That's for life! It's like cement!”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Atheism

β€œTo you I'm an atheist; to God I'm the loyal opposition.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Masturbation

β€œDon't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Ageing

β€œI recently turned 60. Practically a third of my life is over.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Logic

β€œAll men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Thermodynamics

β€œIt’s the Second Law of Thermodynamics: Sooner or later everything turns to shit.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Quakers

β€œMy luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a Quaker.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Necrophilia

β€œI'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Pornography

β€œI once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Baseball

β€œI love baseball. You know, it doesn't have to mean anything. It's just very beautiful to watch.”
Woody Allen

What Woody Allen Said About Others

Discover personal opinions Woody Allen shared regarding contemporaries.

Woody Allen on Ingmar Bergman 3 quotes

β€œI was very saddened by the death of Ingmar Bergman. He was a friend and certainly the greatest film artist of my lifetime. … He told me that he was afraid that he would die on a very, very sunny day and I can only hope it was overcast and he got the weather he wanted”
Woody Allen
View all 3 quotes on Ingmar Bergman →

Woody Allen on Jesus

β€œIf Jesus came back and saw what's going on in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Norman Mailer

β€œThat's a photograph of Norman Mailer. He was a very great writer; he, uh, donated his ego to the Harvard Medical School for study.”
Woody Allen

Woody Allen on Groucho Marx

β€œSome years back, after a childhood of preoccupation with comedy that led me to observing the styles of all the great comedians, I came to the conclusion that Groucho Marx was the best comedian this country ever produced. Now I am more convinced than ever that I was right. I can't think of a comedian who combined a totally original physical conception that was hilarious with a matchless verbal delivery. I believe there is a natural inborn greatness in Groucho that defies close analysis as it does with any genuine artist. He is simply unique in the same way that Picasso or Stravinsky are, and I believe his outrageous unsentimental disregard for order will be equally as funny a thousand years from now. In addition to all this, he makes me laugh.”
Woody Allen

Quotes About Woody Allen

Gain deeper perspective through quotes about Woody Allen from others.

Source on Woody Allen 3 quotes

β€œIs sex dirty? Only if it's done right.”
View all 3 quotes on Source →

Cate Blanchett on Woody Allen

β€œAt the time that I worked with Woody Allen, I knew nothing of the allegations. At the time, I said it's a very painful and complicated situation for the family, which I hope they have the ability to resolve....If these allegations need to be re-examined which, in my understanding, they've been through court, then I'm a big believer in the justice system and setting legal precedents,....If the case needs to be reopened, I am absolutely, wholeheartedly in support of that.”
Woody Allen

Vincent Canby on Woody Allen 2 quotes

β€œIn this land of unlimited opportunity, a place where, to paraphrase Woody Allen, any man or woman can realize greatness as a patient or as a doctor, we have only one commercial American filmmaker who consistently speaks with his own voice. That is Woody Allen, gag writer, musician, humorist, philosopher, playwright, stand-up comic, film star, film writer and film director.”
View all 2 quotes on Vincent Canby →

Roger Ebert on Woody Allen

β€œThis is Woody Allen's 41st film. He writes his films himself, and directs them with wit and grace. I consider him a treasure of the cinema.”
Woody Allen

Newt Gingrich on Woody Allen

β€œWoody Allen is currently having non-incest with a non-daughter for whom he is a non-father because they have no concept of families...it's a weird environment out there.”
Woody Allen

Carl Hiaasen interview quoted on Woody Allen

β€œWithout Feathers, a collection of Woody Allen’s early short stories, was a prized possession.”

Chris Rock on Woody Allen

β€œI don't even think Woody does comedy. I think he does dramas with jokes. They're all sad at their core.”
Woody Allen

Salman Rushdie. on Woody Allen

β€œIf Woody Allen were a Muslim, he'd be dead by now.”
Woody Allen

About Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allen Stewart KΓΆnigsberg on December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, comedian and musician.