Mitch Hedberg Quotes 98 Sourced Quotes

Mitch Hedberg (24 February 1968 – 30 March 2005) was an American stand-up comic known for his odd subject matter, subdued delivery and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs.

Here are 98 real Mitch Hedberg quotes ordered by their popularity online. The most quoted quotes on the web appear first. Questionable and fake quotes are excluded. Sources and related information are shown after each quote. We hope you find these quotes useful. If there is anything we can do to improve this article, your feedback is welcome. If you find these quotes helpful, please share them.

1. “The Kit-Kat candy bar has the name 'Kit-Kat' imprinted into the chocolate... That robs you of chocolate! That is a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to the factory ‘You owe me some letters!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#1

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

2. “They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, ‘Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#2

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

3. “I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says ‘Can I help you?’ ‘Just practicing.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#3

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

4. “I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down, and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say ‘Go around! I cannot open the wall! I don't know if you have a door on your side, but over here there's nothin'. It's just flat.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#4

Source: Comedy Central Presents, S01E06: Mitch Hedberg (5 January 1999)

5. “My hotel doesn't have a 13th Floor because of superstition, but c'mon man... People on the 14th Floor, you know what floor you're really on. ‘What room are you in?’ ‘1401’. ‘No, you're not. Jump out of window, you'll die earlier!’.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

6. “My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so … yeah’.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#6

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

7. “Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before then it was hard times for the vending machine owners, ‘What candy bar are you getting?’, ‘That one... and every one on the bottom row!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#7

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

8. “I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary; I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of guys standing around going ‘Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

9. “I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. ‘Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#9

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

10. “If I was on death row and given one last meal I would ask for a fortune cookie. ‘Come on 'long prosperous life!'’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Videos and Audio from Hedberg.com

11. “Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow. That would suck, an arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. ‘Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#11

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

12. “In Venice, Italy they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals. In Venice if you're not book smart, but you do know what's going on, you are canal smart. ‘I've got canal smarts bitch!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#12

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

13. “I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like ‘Dude, you have to wait.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#13

Source: Mitch All Together (2003) track 3, "Not Track Five, Not Chainsaw Juggler"

14. “Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say ‘I'm gonna go shave, too.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#14

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

15. “I saw this dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him ‘Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#15

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

16. “I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Strategic Grill Locations

17. “That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat ‘1-2-3-4 Oh shit, my bass player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#17

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

18. “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Strategic Grill Locations

19. “I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Source: Strategic Grill Locations

20. “Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,‘Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#20

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#20

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#20

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#20

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

21. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#21

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#21

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#21

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#21

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

22. “This shirt is ‘dry-clean only’... Which means it's dirty.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#22

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#22

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#22

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#22

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

23. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#23

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#23

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#23

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#23

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

24. “This is what my friend said to me; he said ‘Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes.’ It's like,‘Dude. you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you must insert a pause in there.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#24

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#24

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#24

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#24

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

25. “Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#25

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#25

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#25

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#25

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

26. “On a traffic light green means 'go' and yellow means 'yield', but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' yellow means 'go ahead,' and red means, 'where the hell did you get that banana at?'”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#26

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#26

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#26

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#26

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

27. “I bought a pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#27

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#27

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#27

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#27

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

28. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#28

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#28

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#28

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#28

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

29. “I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#29

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#29

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#29

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#29

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

30. “I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#30

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#30

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#30

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#30

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

31. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend: ‘Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under 'D'’.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#31

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#31

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#31

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#31

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

32. “You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#32

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#32

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#32

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#32

Source: Mitch All Together (2003) track 17, "Movie Pot"

33. “If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#33

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#33

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#33

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#33

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

34. “I had one anchovy, that's why I didn't have two anchovies.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#34

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#34

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#34

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#34

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

35. “A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#35

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#35

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#35

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#35

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

36. “You know when it comes to racism, people say: ‘ I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green’… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#36

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#36

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#36

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#36

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

37. “My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#37

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#37

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#37

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#37

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

38. “Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#38

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#38

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#38

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#38

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

39. “I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music’, as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#39

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#39

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#39

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#39

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

40. “See, this CD is in stores. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I were to take one in and leave it. Then the guys says ‘Sir, you forgot this!’ ‘No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#40

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#40

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#40

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#40

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

41. “When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#41

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#41

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#41

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#41

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

42. “I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#42

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#42

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#42

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#42

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

43. “I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#43

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#43

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#43

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#43

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

44. “I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#44

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#44

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#44

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#44

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

45. “I saw a lady on T.V. She was born without arms. Literally, she was born with her hands attached to her shoulders... and that was sad, but then they said ‘Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'’ And that to me was kinda worse... In a way... Y'know? Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. It's very simple, Lola, you just take two words, you put them together, then you take out the middle letter, you put a comma in there and you raise it up!”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#45

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#45

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#45

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#45

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

46. “I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#46

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#46

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#46

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#46

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

47. “Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#47

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#47

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#47

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#47

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

48. “I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#48

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#48

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#48

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#48

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

49. “I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#49

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#49

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#49

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#49

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

50. “I am not addicted to gambling although I am addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#50

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#50

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#50

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#50

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

51. “A guy told me he liked cherries... But... I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato... Before I realized he likes cherries just... All right, that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#51

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#51

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#51

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#51

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

52. “I never joined the army because ‘at ease’ never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#52

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#52

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#52

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#52

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

53. “I dressed up for the CD.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#53

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#53

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#53

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#53

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

54. “When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. ‘Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter.’ But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#54

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#54

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#54

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#54

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

55. “I've always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist... Alright.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#55

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#55

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#55

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#55

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

56. “I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it... So that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#56

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#56

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#56

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#56

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

57. “I was at the airport a while back and some guy said ‘Hey man, I saw you on TV last night.’ But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he was just confirming that he saw me on television. So I turned my head away for about a minute, and looked back at him and said ‘Dude! I saw you at the airport... About a minute ago... And you were good.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#57

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#57

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#57

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#57

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

58. “I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It's zero. I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said ‘You sound older!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#58

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#58

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#58

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#58

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

59. “By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be... A thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#59

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#59

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#59

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#59

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

60. “I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but there are 2 trees involved. They said ‘Let's call this hotel 'Something Tree'’. So they had a meeting, it was... It was quite short. ‘How 'bout 'Tree'?’ ‘No.’ ‘'Double Tree'?’ ‘Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!’ ‘I had my heart set on 'Quadruple Tree'’ ‘Well, we were almost there!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#60

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#60

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#60

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#60

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

61. “We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. You know what sweeten means, right? That’s a showbiz term for ‘add sugar to’.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#61

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#61

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#61

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#61

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

62. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#62

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#62

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#62

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#62

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

63. “I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I'd buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#63

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#63

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#63

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#63

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

64. “I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said ‘Sorry, we're closed.’ You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at 10 a.m. and say ‘Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#64

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#64

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#64

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#64

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

65. “I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say ‘I'm hungry’, so it died.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#65

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#65

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#65

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#65

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

66. “I write jokes for a living, I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#66

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#66

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#66

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#66

Source: Mitch All Together (2003) track 11, "Three Easy Payments"

67. “If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction, you will fast-forward the parade.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#67

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#67

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#67

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#67

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

68. “An escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#68

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#68

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#68

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#68

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

69. “I wanna get a job naming kitchen appliance. Seems like the easiest job ever. You know, refrigerator, toaster, blender... You just say what the thing does and then you add '-er'. Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. ‘What's this do?’ ‘It keeps shit fresh.’ ‘Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#69

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#69

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#69

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#69

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

70. “Steam rollers run shit over to make sure it's good. Like if they want to test a product, they'll run over it with a steam roller. How do you know the steam roller's good? Who ran over the steam roller?”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#70

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#70

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#70

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#70

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

71. “I like it when people laugh for no reason... like that lady over there.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#71

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#71

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#71

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#71

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

72. “My girl works at Hooters, in the kitchen.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#72

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#72

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#72

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#72

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

73. “If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#73

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#73

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#73

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#73

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

74. “What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#74

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#74

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#74

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#74

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

75. “I had a piece of Carefree Sugarless gum and I was still worried. It never kicked in, I took it back to the store and said ‘Bullshit!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#75

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#75

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#75

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#75

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

76. “Audience Member: Hey Mitch, I got something to put in that pipe for ya!”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#76

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#76

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#76

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#76

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh? Mitch Hedberg: Oh, I bet you do! Only don't think about the fact that there might be police around! What have you got there, we... dope? You fucking doper? [beat] Arrest that dude!!

77. “The number one cause of alcoholic relapse in winged insects is being trapped in a pint glass with an ashtray.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#77

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#77

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#77

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#77

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

78. “Remember that show 'My Three Sons'? It'd be funny if it was called 'My One Dad'... wait, what?”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#78

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#78

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#78

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#78

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

79. “A fly was very close to being called a ‘land,’ cause that's what they do half the time.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#79

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#79

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#79

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#79

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

80. “Yeah, this comedy is all a part of my ‘Get Rich Slow’ scheme... and it’s working.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#80

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#80

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#80

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#80

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

81. “I can read minds but, it's pointless cause I'm illiterate. I'd know what you were thinking, if I could read. (laugh) I tried to add on to that joke. I got busted. Thought I could squeeze a couple more laughs out of it but, it was not to be.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#81

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#81

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#81

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#81

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

82. “I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out... So I kicked it.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#82

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#82

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#82

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

83. “I am s-stiff; Medusa has looked at me; I'm turning into a pillar of salt. That'd be funny if, like, you know how Medusa, if you looked at her you turned into a pillar of salt, like if you were eating and, like, ‘This isn't very salty. Hey, dude, look at that snake-haired bitch! … Thank you... Hmm, not bad now; thanks, snake-haired bitch! I'd like to make eye contact, but it's salty enough.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#83

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#83

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#83

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

84. “(From the enclosed booklet) Jamaican Air -- Every flight is the red-eye!”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#84

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#84

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#84

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#84

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

85. “You know when a company wants to use letters in their phone number to be catchy? But often times they use too many letters. ‘Give us a call down here at 1-800-I-Really-Enjoy-Carpeting.’ It's too many letters, man. ‘Hello?’ ‘Hold on, I'm only on 'Enjoy'! How did you know I was calling? I can see why they hired you!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#85

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#85

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#85

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#85

Source: Videos and Audio from Hedberg.com

86. “When I was younger, my mother told me, ‘Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job.’ Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#86

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#86

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#86

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#86

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

87. “I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#87

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#87

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#87

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#87

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

88. “I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#88

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#88

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#88

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#88

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

89. “I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)--”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#89

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#89

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#89

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#89

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

90. “If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread-- ‘sure man no problem-- tell your friends’--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#90

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#90

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#90

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#90

Source: Just For Laughs: On The Edge - 2002

91. “I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange in color, in case I want to buy a deer”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#91

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#91

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#91

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#91

Source: Wikiquote: "Mitch Hedberg" (Live from Chicago)

92. “If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#92

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#92

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#92

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#92

Source: Wikiquote: "Mitch Hedberg" (Live from Chicago)

93. “You know they call corn-on-the-cob ‘corn-on-the-cob,’ right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that ‘corn’, and they should call every other version ‘corn-off-the-cob.’ It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm ‘Mitch’, but then reattach it and call it ‘Mitch-all-together.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#93

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#93

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#93

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#93

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

94. “I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two. I would say ‘Sweet.’ And then people would say ‘Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?’ I'd say ‘Just press two for a while and when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough.’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#94

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#94

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#94

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#94

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

95. “My friend said to me ‘I think the weather's trippy.’ I said ‘No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy.’ Then I thought ‘Man, I should have just said 'Yeah.'’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#95

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#95

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#95

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#95

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

96. “One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said ‘Here's a picture of me when I was younger.’ Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here's a picture of me when I'm older.’ ‘You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera... What's it look like? ’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#96

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#96

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#96

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#96

Source: Strategic Grill Locations

97. “I got a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my hotel door. It says ‘do not disturb’. Its time to go with ‘don't disturb’. Its been ‘do not disturb’ for too long. We need to embrace the contraction. ‘Don't disturb’. ‘Do Not’ psyches you out. ‘'Do,' alright I get to disturb this guy... 'Not,' SHIT! I need to read faster!’ I like to wear ‘do not disturb’ signs around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock knock jokes. ‘Say, how you doin', nephew.’ ‘Knock Knock?’ ‘Read the sign, punk!’”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#97

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#97

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#97

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#97

Source: Mitch All Together (2003)

98. “To the people in the bathroom: How's it going in there?”

—Mitch Hedberg

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#98

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#98

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#98

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html#98

Source: Do You Believe in Gosh?

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Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Hedberg, Mitch (2017, November 15) Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html

MLA Citation: Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Hedberg, Mitch. “Mitch Hedberg Quotes: 98 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/mitch-hedberg-quotes.html

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