Groucho Marx Quotes 17 Sourced Quotes

Julius Henry Marx (2 October 1890 – 19 August 1977), primarily known as Groucho Marx, was an American comedian and actor, famous for his work in the Marx Brothers comedy team, and his solo film and television career.

Here are 17 real Groucho Marx quotes ordered by their popularity online. The most quoted quotes on the web appear first. Questionable and fake quotes are excluded. Sources and related information are shown after each quote. We hope you find these quotes useful. If there is anything we can do to improve this article, your feedback is welcome. If you find these quotes helpful, please share them.

1. “[Variant:] ‘Please accept my resignation. I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member’.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: As quoted in The Groucho Letters (1967) by Arthur Sheekman. The sentiment predates Marx by 61 years, however; it likely originated with John Galsworthy in The Forsyte Saga. In Part I, Chapter II, "Old Jolyon Goes to the Opera", it's said of Old Jolyon that, "He naturally despised the Club that did take him." after another refused him because he was in a trade.

2. “Here's to our wives and girlfriends... may they never meet! (Variation on an old Royal Navy wardroom toast: ‘Wives and Sweethearts! May they never meet!’)”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Wikiquote: "Groucho Marx" (Quotes)

3. “I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Quote by Leo Rosten in The Many Worlds of Leo Rosten (1964)

4. “I sent the club a wire stating, ‘PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT PEOPLE LIKE ME AS A MEMBER’.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Telegram to the Friar's Club of Beverly Hills to which he belonged, as recounted in Groucho and Me (1959), p. 321

5. “I got from Reader's Digest last week for something I never said. I get credit all the time for things I never said. You know that line in You Bet Your Life? The guy says he has seventeen kids and I say: ‘I smoke a cigar, but I take it out of my mouth occasionally’? I never said that.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Interview with Roger Ebert in Esquire magazine (7 March 1972); more on this at Snopes.com: "I Love My Cigar"

6. “No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: From his book Groucho and Me. It is a variation of a maxim by 17th-century French nobleman François de La Rochefoucauld: "In the adversity of our best friends, we often find something that is not displeasing." (Maxim 99 from Reflections; or Sentences and Moral Maxims, 1665 edition.)

7. “Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!”

—Groucho Marx

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Source and Related Info: Last words
Lord Palmerston had similar last words in 1865: "Die, my dear doctor! That's the last thing I shall do!"

8. “Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: From his autobiography Groucho and Me (1959)

9. “I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: As quoted in Halliwell’s Filmgoer’s Companion (1984) by Leslie Halliwell

10. “Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: As quoted in What Color is Your Paradigm: Thinking for Shaping Life and Results (2003) by Howard Edson, p. 184

11. “I did a bond tour during the Second World War... We were raising money, and we played Boston and Philadelphia and most of the big cities. And we got to Minneapolis. There wasn't any big theater to play there, so we did our show in a railroad station. Then I told the audience that I knew a girl in Minneapolis. She was also known in St.Paul, she used to come over to visit me. She was known as ‘The Tail Of Two Cities.’ I didn't sell any more bonds, but eh... they didn't allow me to appear anymore.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Recounting a War Bonds tour in his Carnegie Hall appearance (6 May 1972)

12. “To write an autobiography of Groucho Marx would be as asinine as to read an autobiography of Groucho Marx.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Just after completing his second autobiography, as quoted in The Marx Brothers: A Bio-bibliography (1987) by Wes D. Gehring, p. 137

13. “A likely story — and probably true.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: The Al Jolson Show repartee following a trite, scripted Al Jolson joke. (1949)

14. “From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: To S J Perelman about his book Dawn Ginsbergh’s Revenge (1929), as quoted in LIFE (9 February 1962)

15. “They say Allen got something from the Marx Brothers. He got nothing. Maybe twenty years ago, he might have been inspired. Today he's an original. The best, the funniest.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: On Woody Allen, in an interview with Roger Ebert in Esquire magazine (7 March 1972)

16. “My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source: Liner notes of An Evening With Groucho (1972) the recording of his appearance at Carnegie Hall.

17. “I don't have a photograph. I'd give you my footprints, but they're upstairs in my socks.”

—Groucho Marx

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Source and Related Info: When asked for a photograph for identification
The Groucho Phile (1976)

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