George Carlin Quotes 87 Sourced Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was a Grammy-winning American stand-up comedian, actor and author, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology and religion as well as some taboo subjects.

Here are 87 real George Carlin quotes ordered by their popularity online. The most quoted quotes on the web appear first. Questionable and fake quotes are excluded. Sources and related information are shown after each quote. We hope you find these quotes useful. If there is anything we can do to improve this article, your feedback is welcome. If you find these quotes helpful, please share them.

1. “So maybe it's not the politicians who suck; maybe it's something else. Like the public. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The public sucks. Elect me.’ Put the blame where it belongs: on the people. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? Where are these people hiding? The truth is, we don't have people like that. Everyone's at the mall, scratching his balls and buying sneakers with lights in them. And complaining about the politicians.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#1

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#1

Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

2. “After ‘Jammin' In New York’, I went from a comedian who wrote his own material to a writer who performed his own material... I became socially conscious, and found I had something to say that wasn't too common.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#2

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#2

Source: Print Interviews New York Times Interview, 1995

3. “‘One thing leads to another’? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#3

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#3

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

4. “‘Fussy eater’ is a euphemism for ‘big pain in the ass’.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#4

Source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

5. “Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#5

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

6. “I think I am, therefore I am. I think.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#6

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#6

Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

7. “I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#7

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#7

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

8. “I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#8

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#8

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

9. “People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#9

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

10. “I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#10

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#10

Source: Class Clown (1972)

11. “Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence. If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence. Irony is ‘a state of affairs that is the reverse of what was to be expected; a result opposite to and in mockery of the appropriate result.’ For instance: a diabetic, on his way to buy insulin, is killed by a runaway truck. He is the victim of an accident. If the truck was delivering sugar, he is the victim of an oddly poetic coincidence. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! Then he is the victim of an irony. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. It will be coincidental. If Darryl Stingley's son paralyzes someone else, that will be closer to ironic. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#11

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

12. “They say rather than cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles.”

—George Carlin

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Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

13. “And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say ‘Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock.’ And she'd say ‘Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!’”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#13

Source: ''Playing With Your Head (1986)

14. “It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#14

Source: ''What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

15. “Try explaining Hitler to a kid.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#15

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

16. “When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#16

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

17. “If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#17

Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

18. “The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers...but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#18

Source: Television Appearances Bill Maher's program on ABC

19. “There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, ‘Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!’ But he can't say, ‘I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?’”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#19

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#19

Source: Class Clown (1972)

20. “If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, ‘Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!’ But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, ‘What's happenin'?’”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#20

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#20

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#20

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

21. “Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#21

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#21

Source: Toledo Window Box (1974) "Nursery Rhymes"

22. “Here's some bumper stickers I'd like to see:
• We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
• We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters.
• We have a daughter in public school who hasn't been knocked up yet.
• We have a son in public school who hasn't shot any of his classmates yet. But he does sell drugs to your honor student. Plus he knocked up your daughter.
• We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#22

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#22

Source: Complaints and Grievances (2001)

23. “I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. Politically, anatomically, and ecologically incorrect.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#23

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#23

Source: Life Is Worth Losing (2005) "Modern Man"

24. “You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah, usually they're already there. Isn't that nice? It's nice. It's convenient.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#24

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#24

Source: Life Is Worth Losing (2005) "Extreme Human Behavior"

25. “One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're tired.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#25

Source: It's Bad for Ya (2008) "Getting old"

26. “Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#26

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#26

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#26

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#26

Source: Brain Droppings (1997) Compare Bernard Shaw, Back to Methuselah (1921), Pt. I : In the Beginning: I hear you say "Why?" Always "Why?" You see things; and you say "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?"

27. “I am perfectly willing to share the room with a fly, as long as he is patrolling that portion of the room I don't occupy. But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#27

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#27

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#27

Source: Brain Droppings (1997) Animal Instincts

28. “I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#28

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#28

Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

29. “[On the existence of God] No. No, there's no God, but there might be some sort of an organizing intelligence, and I think to understand it is way beyond our ability. It's certainly not a judgmental entity. It's certainly not paternalistic and all these qualities that have been attributed to God. It's probably a dispassionate... That's why I say, ‘Suppose He doesn't give a shit? Suppose there is a God but He just doesn't give a shit?’ That's the kind of thing that might be at work.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#29

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#29

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#29

Source: Print Interviews The Onion A.V. Club, September 6, 2000 http://avclub.theonion.com/avclub3631/avfeature_3631.html

30. “Comedy is filled with surprise, so when I cross a line... I like to find out where the line might be and then cross it deliberately, and then make the audience happy about crossing the line with me.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#30

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#30

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#30

Source: Print Interviews The Onion A.V. Club, November 10, 1999 http://www.avclub.com/articles/george-carlin,13629/

31. “I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, ‘What do you think about the dope problem?’ I said, ‘Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes.’ No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs...it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: ‘DRUGS’, ‘Open All Night – DRUGS’, ‘We Deliver – DRUGS’, ‘Cut-rate DRUGS’...it's the biggest thing on their sign: ‘Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS’.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#31

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#31

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#31

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#31

Source: FM & AM (1972)

32. “When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#32

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#32

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#32

Source: FM & AM (1972)

33. “Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#33

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#33

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#33

Source: FM & AM (1972)

34. “O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain for strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plain America, America, man sheds his waste on thee and hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#34

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#34

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#34

Source: Class Clown (1972)

35. “Nobody goes right to work. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? It's not an attitude in line with the American Spirit, but there it is: we all screw around first. ‘I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?’ Really. You never see a memo that says 9:01.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#35

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#35

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#35

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#35

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

36. “It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girls...and then pot came along and gang fighting went away. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#36

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#36

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#36

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

37. “Spoiler: advertising man says, ‘It's Good!’”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#37

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#37

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#37

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

38. “I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#38

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#38

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#38

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#38

Source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Interview With Jesus"

39. “Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#39

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#39

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Source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Interview With Jesus"

40. “And, of course, the funniest food: ‘kumquats’. I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#40

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Source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

41. “Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Carlin on Campus (1984)

42. “Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#42

Source: Carlin on Campus (1984)

43. “Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- ‘Hey! It was stolen!’ It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. ‘Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!’”

—George Carlin

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Source: ''Playing With Your Head (1986)

44. “There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

—George Carlin

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Source: ''Playing With Your Head (1986)

45. “I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#45

Source: ''What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

46. “Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#46

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#46

Source: ''What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

47. “Let me get a sip of water here...you figure this stuff is safe to drink? [audience yells ‘No’] Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? 'Cause I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#47

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#47

Source: Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

48. “Government want to tell you things you can't say because they're against the law, or you can't say this because it's against a regulation, or here's something you can't say because its a...secret; ‘You can't tell him that because he's not cleared to know that.’ Government wants to control information and control language because that's the way you control thought, and basically that's the game they're in.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#48

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#48

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#48

Source: Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

49. “Same with religion. Religion is nothing but mind control. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're...sins. And besides telling you things you shouldn't say, religion is gonna suggest some things that you ought to be saying; ‘Here's something you ought to say first thing when you wake up in the morning; here's something you ought to say just before you go to sleep at night; here's something we always say on the third Wednesday in April after the first full moon in spring at 4 o'clock when the bells ring.’ Religion is always suggesting things you ought to be saying.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#49

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#49

Source: Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

50. “Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people, or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The Pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos, Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#50

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#50

Source: Doin' It Again / Parental Advisory: Explicit Lyrics (1990)

51. “If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the least bit shy about asking the police to bring the bodies over a little closer to the car. ‘Pardon me, officer, would you mind dragging that twisted-looking chap over here a little closer to the car, please? My wife has never seen anyone shaped quite like that. Look at that, Sugar Lips! That's his ribcage sticking out the glove compartment. That will be all, officer. You can throw him back on the pile.’”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#51

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#51

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#51

Source: Complaints and Grievances (2001) "Traffic Accidents: Keep Movin'!"

52. “I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be ‘Governor Bush.’ I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#52

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#52

Source: It's Bad for Ya (2008) "george bush"

53. “Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Ephraim Zimbalist Jr.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#53

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#53

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#53

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

54. “There is something refreshingly ironic about people lying on the beach contracting skin cancer in an attempt to acquire a purely illusory appearance of good health, while germ-laden medical waste washes up on the sand all around them. (entitled Surf's Down Forever, p. 207)”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#54

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#54

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#54

Source: Brain Droppings (1997)

55. “I do not torture animals, and I do not support the torture of animals, such as that which goes on at rodeos: cowardly men in big hats abusing simple beasts in a fruitless search for manhood. In fact, I regularly pray for serious, life-threatening rodeo injuries. I wish for a cowboy to walk crooked, and with great pain, for the rest of his life.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#55

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#55

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#55

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#55

Source: Brain Droppings (1997) Animal Instincts

56. “An art thief is a man who takes pictures.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#56

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#56

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#56

Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

57. “‘Undisputed heavyweight champion.’ Well, if it's undisputed, what's all the fighting about?”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#57

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Carlin, George (2017, November 15) George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#57

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 15 November 2017, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#57

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#57

Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

58. “The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

59. “I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

60. “There's something I like about the clitoris, but I can't quite put my finger on it.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

61. “Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, ‘Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. We'll stand it up in Rockefeller Plaza and conceal its natural beauty by hanging shiny, repulsive, man-made objects on it, and let it stand there slowly dying for several weeks while simpleminded children stare at it and people from Des Moines take pictures of it. That way, perhaps we can add our own special, obscene imprint to Christmas in Midtown.’”

—George Carlin

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Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

62. “During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as human shields. That's not accurate. Although it's true they were used as shields, the fact is they were humans already. So if these humans were used as shields, they were human shields. They weren't being used as human shields. Got that?”

—George Carlin

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Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

63. “I, George Carlin, being of sound mind, do not wish, upon my demise, to be buried or cremated. I wish to be BLOWN UP.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Last Words (2009)

64. “[On his work appearing on the Internet] It's a conflicted feeling. I'm really a populist, down in the very center of me. I like the power people can accrue for themselves, and I like the idea of user-generated content and taking power from the corporations. The other half of the conflict, though, is that, traditionally speaking, artists are protected from copyright infringement. Fortunately, I don't have to worry about solving this issue. It's someone else's job.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Print Interviews Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 http://www.lvcitylife.com/articles/2007/08/10/ae/stage/iq_15893857.txt

65. “[On why he lacked faith in humanity] The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god – that there's a man in the sky with ten things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them – and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Print Interviews Mother Jones Magazine, March/April 1997

66. “We are on a nice downward glide. I call it circling the drain … And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty... Huish! And we'll be gone. And that's fine. I welcome it. I wish I could live 1000 years to watch it happen. From a distance — so I can see it all.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Archive of American Television, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008)

67. “You know what, I said it this way: when you're born in this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks. And I'm a notebook kind of guy: [pretends to be taking notes] ‘Oh, my God, did you see that? Did you see what he just did?...’ And I watch the freak show, and I kept my notes, and I make up stuff about it, and I talk about the freaks. And the freaks are all humans, and they are all like me, and we are all the same. I'm not better, I'm not different, I'm just apart now. I'm separate, I'm over here, because I put myself out of the mix. I don't have a stake at the outcome. I'm not a cheerleader for a given outcome now.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Archive of American Television, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008)

68. “They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. And I would admit, that somewhere underneath all this there's a little flicker of a flame of idealism that would love to see it all — huish! — change. But it can't happen that way. And incremental change — it just seems the pile of shit is too deep.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Archive of American Television, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008)

69. “Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have...some day birth control pills will have names like, ‘Preg-Not’! Doctors prefer ‘Embry-No’! Here's one for the ladies, ‘Nary-A-Carry’! Something lofty and poetic: ‘Nay Family Way’; something earthy and crude: ‘Mom Bomb’; something for the youngsters, ‘Junior Miss’; here's a real man's product, ‘Inconceivable’! ‘Mommy-Not’, ‘Fetus Fail’, ‘Kiddie Kill’, ‘Papa Stopper’, ‘Womb Broom’, ‘Humpty Dumpty’...I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it ‘Baby Maybe’!”

—George Carlin

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Source: FM & AM (1972)

70. “And the other two-way word is ‘prick’. It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#70

Source: Class Clown (1972)

71. “The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#71

Source: Toledo Window Box (1974) "Nursery Rhymes"

72. “And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and PARANOIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

—George Carlin

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Source: ''Playing With Your Head (1986)

73. “Here's another question I have. How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelet? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens... See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people. You don't see chickens hanging around in drug gangs, do you? No. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? Doesn't happen... 'cause chickens are decent people.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Back in Town (1996) "Abortion"

74. “Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time... But He loves you! He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Ho-ly Shit!”

—George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 87 Sourced Quotes.” Last modified November 15, 2017. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/george-carlin-quotes.html#74

Source: You Are All Diseased (1999)

75. “I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know?...”

—George Carlin

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Source: You Are All Diseased (1999)

76. “Here's my problem with the ten commandments: why are there ten? Why are there ten? You don't need ten. I believe the list of ten commandments was artificially and deliberately inflated to get it up to ten. Here's what happened: About 5,000 years ago a bunch of religious and political hustlers got together to try to figure out how to control people, how to keep them in line. They knew people were basically stupid and would believe anything they were told, so they announced that God had given them some commandments, up on a mountain, when no one was around... God had given them the Ten Commandments. Well let me ask you this- when they were making this shit up, why did they pick ten? Why not nine, or eleven? I'll tell you why- because ten sounds official. Ten sounds important! Ten is the basis for the decimal system, it's a decade, it's a psychologically satisfying number, the top ten, the ten most wanted, the ten best dressed. So having ten commandments was really a marketing decision. And it's clearly a bullshit list. It's a political document, artificially inflated to sell better.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Complaints and Grievances (2001)

77. “There's a reason for this, there's a reason education sucks, and it's the same reason it will never ever ever be fixed. It's never going to get any better. Don't look for it. Be happy with what you've got... because the owners of this country don’t want that. I'm talking about the real owners now... the real owners. The big wealthy business interests that control things and make all the important decisions. Forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don’t. You have no choice. You have owners. They own you. They own everything. They own all the important land. They own and control the corporations. They’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the state houses, the city halls. They got the judges in their back pockets and they own all the big media companies, so they control just about all of the news and information you get to hear. They got you by the balls. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying. Lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want. They want more for themselves and less for everybody else, but I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They don’t want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that. That doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Life Is Worth Losing (2005)

78. “This conversation is bound to turn up. Two guys in a street meet each other, and one of them says, ‘Hey, did you hear? Phil Davis died.’ ‘Phil Davis? I just saw him yesterday.’ ‘Yeah? … Didn't help. He died anyway. Apparently, the simple act of you seeing him did not slow his cancer down. In fact, it may have made it more aggressive. You know, you could be the cause for Phil's death. How do you live with yourself?’”

—George Carlin

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Source: It's Bad for Ya (2008) "Death"

79. “You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I leave that to others. And there's no shortage of volunteers; everyone complains about politicians. Everyone says they suck. But where do people think these politicians come from? They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're elected by American voters. This is what our system produces, folks. This is the best we can do. Let's face it, we have very little to work with. Garbage in, garbage out.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

80. “For myself, I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way. On Election Day, I stay home. Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. That empty shit they shuffle around and repackage every four years doesn't mean a thing. Second, I don't vote, because I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain. I know some people like to twist that around and say, ‘If you don't vote, you have no right to complain.’ But where's the logic in that? Think it through: If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and you screw things up, then you're responsible for what they've done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain. I, on the other hand, who did not vote—who, in fact, did not even leave the house on Election Day—am in no way responsible for what these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess you created. Which I had nothing to do with. Why can't people see that?”

—George Carlin

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Source: Napalm and Silly Putty (2001)

81. “Dear Political Activists, All your chanting, marching, voting, picketing, boycotting and letter-writing will not change a thing; you will never right the wrongs of this world. The only thing your activity will accomplish is to make some of you feel better. Such activity makes powerless people feel useful, and provides them the illusion that they're making a difference. But it doesn't work. Nothing changes. The powerful keep the power. That's why they're called the powerful. This is similar to people's belief that love can overcome everything, that it has some special power. It doesn't. Except one on one. One on one, love is incredibly powerful. It is a beautiful thing. But if love had any power to change the world, it would have prevailed by now. Love can't change the world. It's nice. It's pleasant. It's better than hate. But it has no special power over things. It just feels good. Love yourself, find another person to love and feel good. Love, George”

—George Carlin

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Source: When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (2004)

82. “Floating around the Internet these days, posted and e-mailed back and forth, are a number of writings attributed to me, and I want people to know they're not mine. Don't blame me.Some are essay-length, some are just short lists of one and two-line jokes, but if they're flyin' around the Internet, they're probably not mine. Occasionally, a couple of jokes on a long list might have come from me, but not often. And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it.And that's the problem. I want people to know that I take care with my writing, and try to keep my standards high. But most of this ‘humor’ on the Internet is just plain stupid. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Don't Blame Me

83. “For a while, I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Print Interviews Las Vegas CityLife, August 9, 2007 http://www.lvcitylife.com/articles/2007/08/10/ae/stage/iq_15893857.txt

84. “When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts … Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005

85. “The difference between left and right of center … originated in the French parliament. The people left of center were liberals; the people right of center were conservatives. Broadly speaking. And generally speaking, people on … the right of center, are interested in property values, property, property rights. The rights and the rights of property. And generally speaking again – it's all generalized – the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. That's generally been true. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Real Time with Bill Maher, September 9, 2005

86. “The planet is fine. The people are [bleeped out]. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. They don't care about the planet in theory. They just care about having a comfortable place. And these people with the fires and the floods and everything, they overbuild, they put nature to the test and they get what's coming to them. That's what I say. That's what's happening, and I can't wait for the sea levels to rise. I can't wait for some of these cities to disappear. There are places that are going to go away. The map is going to change and that's because -- people think nature is outside of them. They don't take into them the idea that we are part of it. They say, ‘oh, we're going for a nature walk. We're going to the country because we like nature.’ Nature is in here. [points to chest] And if you're in tune with it, like the Indians, the Hopis, especially, the balance of life, the balance, the harmony of nature, if you understand that, you don't overbuild. You don’t do all this moron stuff.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances The View, 24 October 2007

87. “I gave up on this stuff. I gave up on my species and … I gave up on my countrymen. Because I think we squandered great gifts. I think humans were given great great gifts: walking upright, binocular vision, opposable thumb, large brain … We grew. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God … We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit … Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. That kind of shit is very limiting for this brain we have. So we keep ourselves limited. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us... And all that shit is nothing! It's nothing.”

—George Carlin

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Source: Television Appearances Archive of American Television, from one of Carlin's final interviews (2008)

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