Chris Rock Quotes (1965-)

“They don't want you to vote.  If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday.  In November.  You ever throw a party on a Tuesday?  No.  Because nobody would come.”

“Who in the whole country wouldn't take a pill to make more money at their job? You would. "Hey, there's a pill and you're gonna get paid like Steven Spielberg," you would take the pill. You just would.”

“You don't need no gun control. You know what you need? We need some bullet control. Man, we need to control the bullets, that's right. I think all bullets should cost $5,000. $5,000 for a bullet. You know why? 'Cause if a bullet costs $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders...”

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.”

“Abortion, it's beautiful, it's beautiful abortion is legal. I love going to an abortion rally to pick up women, 'cause you know they are fucking... When a woman gets pregnant, it's a choice between the woman and her girlfriends. One girlfriend goes, 'Child, you should have that baby — that man got some good hair.' And the other girlfriend says, 'Child, why we even talking about this — ain't we supposed to go to Cancun next week? Get rid of that baby!' [That] is how life is decided in America.”

“I don't even think Woody does comedy. I think he does dramas with jokes. They're all sad at their core.”

“Jerry Seinfeld, one of the greatest comedians of all time and one of the cockiest bastards to ever live. [...] To his credit, he writes some of the best jokes ever.”

“You can fuck a woman with a diamond dick and make her cum ten times, and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me cum so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's?"”

“I'm chasing Richard Pryor, man. I have not done—I still haven't done my version of his Long Beach concert. I've done some good stuff, but Richard Pryor in Long Beach? That's the greatest piece of stand-up ever done.”

“Comedian Chris Rock recently came out about being on the Autism spectrum; specifically, he was diagnosed with Nonverbal Learning Disorder. In an interview with The Hollywood Reporter, he describes how clear-cut indicators (such as an inability to pick up on social cues and a tendency to take all statements hyperliterally) were ignored until his mid-fifties. Because he was an outgoing, Black comedian, Autism seemed unthinkable as an explanation for the social and emotional challenges he was facing. Rock says he downplayed his own mental health needs, too, because he'd internalized the idea only white people go to therapy.”

“Chris Rock might be the only comedian I know who's maybe a little better at analogies than I am. He's a great analogizer.”