Bill Engvall Quotes (1957-)

“You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".”

“I tell you what, if it wasn't for the sex, I could be gay. Yeah, then you're just hangin' out with your buddies.”

“My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties. Welcome to my world.”

“[while snow-skiing with his family]
I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.”

“(Talking about what he wants at his funeral)
"And don't put a rose in my hand. Put a slim-jim. Send me to heaven with a slim-jim!"”

“[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.”

“[during a bit about dogs]
That's why they're man's best friend, 'cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men.”

“Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.
Passerby: Y'all flyin' a kite?
Engvall: Nope, fishin' for birds! Here's your sign.”

“[playing Pictionary with his wife and some friends]
[My wife] goes "that's not a bicycle, Rembrandt!" And I go "well, it ain't a monkey wearing glasses, Helen Keller!"”

“[about trampolines]
I discovered two very important facts that day - Number one: The springs will pull the hair out of your legs, and Number two: the dog doesn't like to jump.”

“After Bill is exhausted at a baseball fantasy camp, walking crooked.
Woman: Do your legs hurt?
Bill: Nope, just crapped my pants. Here's your sign.”

“There's a group in California that wants to make suicide a capital offense punishable by death. That's like punishing somebody for being on a hunger strike by sending them to bed with no supper.”

“Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.”

“His explanation for the "signs"
I just hate stupid people. They should have to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, and you wouldn't ask them for nothing.”

“[after watching a spitting cobra spit at Steve Irwin]
Y'all, I am screaming at my television set: THEY'RE SPITTING COBRAS, YOU MORON!! Didn't you hear the [Hocking sound]”

“Engvall and his buddy get off a boat with a big string of bass.
On-looker: You catch all them fish?
Engvall: Nope, talked 'em into givin' up. Here's your sign.”

“[after watching the food teasing scene in "9 1/2 Weeks"]
I thought, "I'm gonna try that at my house!" Well apparently, bologna and string cheese is not a real big turn on to a blindfolded woman.”

“Tow truck is pulling Bill's car out of his driveway
Bill's neighbor: Getting your car towed?
Bill: Nope, we're mating it, hoping to get a Mini Cooper. Here's your sign.”

“Engvall has an elk hung on the wall.
Neighbor: Oh, man. I didn't see that. God dang, did you shoot that thing?
Engvall: Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign.”