Jeff Dunham Quotes

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About Jeff Dunham

Jeffrey Dunham (born April 18, 1962) is a ventriloquist, stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and comedian. He has performed on numerous comedy shows, including Comedy Central Presents in 2003. He has released four DVDs, pending a fifth: Arguing With Myself, released in April 2006, Spark of Insanity, in September 2007, Jeff Dunham's Very Special Christmas Special, in November 2008, "Controlled Chaos", in 2011, and "Minding the Monsters", in 2013. Some of his usual puppets include a woozle named Peanut, a bitter old man named Walter, and José Jalapeño, a talking jalapeño pepper on a stick. In performances, Jeff plays the straight-man, opposite his various puppets' personalities.

Born: April 18th, 1962

Categories: Comedians, Stand-up comedians, Living people, People from Texas

Quotes: 33 sourced quotes total

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Peanut: [talking about Jeff's wife] Well, what if she's been with someone else? Like, ME! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! You go purple, you never go back! Jeff: I really don't think my wife has slept with you, Peanut! Peanut: Well, think about this for a second: In a weird, twisted kind of way, all five of us onstage have slept with your wife. When you're wacky and having a great time, that's meeee! When you're pissed off and lying there thinking, "Why did I marry this broad?" That's Walter. When you're so angry, you want to kill her, that's Achmed. Jeff: And what is José Jalapeño on a stick? Peanut: You're a sick man!
Jeff: So, how long have you and your wife been together? Walter: Uh, what is it now? Uh, 46 years. Jeff Dunham: Ah. What was the happiest moment of your life? Walter: 47 years ago! How long've you been married? Jeff Dunham: 15 years. Walter: You'll see. Jeff Dunham: I'll see what? Walter: Remember when you said, "'Til death do us part?" Jeff Dunham: Yeah. Walter: Later, you'll realize you're actually setting a goal! Jeff: Walter, what exactly is marriage like to you? Walter: It's like drinkin' a Slurpie. Jeff Dunham: A Slurpie. Walter: First couple of sips, you're like, "Boy, it's really good! I'm glad I did this!" Then you keep drinkin' and it goes right to your head and you go, " Ow, ow, OOOWWWWWW!!! The hell was I thinking?! Someone kill me please!" Jeff Dunham: Y'know it eventually stops hurting. Walter: Yeah and then you're stupid enough to take another frickin' sip!
Jeff Dunham: So, Achmed, where did you come from? Achmed: From your freakin' suitcase! Hahahahahahahahaha! I told another joke! Jeff Dunham: So if you've been in my suitcase all this time, how have you been getting past security? Achmedt: Oh, that's easy. They just open the case and I go, "Hel-looooooooo. I am Lindsay Lohan!"
Jeff: So, how was the skiing? Peanut: Great! José: I had to snowboard. Peanut: [Snickers] STICK!
Jeff Dunham: Do you fight crime? Melvin: Of course! Jeff Dunham: What kind of crime? Melvin: The...bad kind.
Walter: (Comes out dressed as Frankenstein's monster) Shut the hell up, this wasn't my idea! Peanut: (dressed as "batman") I'm Batnut, nut-based avenger of the night!
Jeff: So, Achmed, do you like being in D.C? Achmed: I think some idiots might live here. For example, the Washington Monument! It looks nothing like the guy. It looks more like a tribute to Bill Clinton!
Jeff: So you have children? Melvin: Two boys! Jeff: What do they do? Melvin: They piss me off! Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis? Melvin: What? Jeff: Do you have an arch-nemesis? Melvin: No, I wear corrective shoes!
Peanut: I don't think José celebrates Christmas. Jeff: No? Peanut: He said they do somethin' called Nav-ee-dad... with some chick named Phyllis. Jeff: Feliz Navidad. Peanut: Yeah, that bitch. Jeff: That means Merry Christmas in Spanish. Peanut: Olé!
Jeff: So, Bubba J, I hear you wrote a letter to Santa. Bubba J: Yeah, I done it on the computer. Jeff: Did you mail it to him? Bubba J: Heh-heh, no. Jeff: Why not? Bubba J: My computer won't fit in the mailbox. Walter's right, you are a dumbass, heh-heh-heh!
Jeff: So, your wife's in town? Walter: Yeah. Jeff Dunham: Is she having a good time here? Walter: She always has a good time. Jeff Dunham: Good. Walter: Pisses me off... Jeff: She's a lovely lady. Walter: She gettin' old! Jeff: Well, women age like... like fine wine. Walter: She's agin' like milk!
Peanut: José, where'd ya go? José: I went to Alaska. Peanut: Did ya have fun? José: No. Peanut: Why not? José: I froze my steek! [Peanut looks at the stick] Peanut: That had to hurt! How'd he get on the stick? Jeff: I don't know. Peanut: Probably a horrible pogo accident, you know: "boing, boing, crrrrriiick!" [stares again at the stick] José: OLÉ!
Walter: Dehehe-eh! Jeff: You know you don't have to do this. Walter: Yeah I can get a real job. Jeff: (chuckles) What would you do? Walter: I wanna be a greeter at Wal-Mart. (audience starts to laugh as Walter stares them down) What the hell's so funny?! Jeff: At Wal-Mart, what would be your opening line? Walter: Oh. (clears throat) Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out! ...Have a nice day!
[Peanut and José speak to each other in Spanish.] Jeff: What're you doing? Peanut: I'm speakin' to José in his native tongue! Jeff: Well, you don't do that. Peanut: Why not? Jeff: Well, it makes me feel... left out. Peanut: [looks at Jeff] HAH?! Jeff Dunham: I don't speak Spanish! [Peanut and José look at him. José turns from Jeff, imitating the theme music from The Twilight Zone.] Peanut: "Picture, if you will..."
Jeff Dunham: So I heard your birthday came not too long ago. Walter: Yep. Jeff Dunham: Did your wife get you anything? Walter: Eh, she got me a book on reincarnation. Jeff Dunham: Do you believe in reincarnation? Walter: Hell I don't know. Jeff Dunham: Well, if it happens, who would you come back as, and what would you do? Walter: I'd come back as my wife and leave me the hell alone!
Walter: Aw, kids with their hipping and their hopping and... Pull up your damn pants, you morons! Jeff Dunham: Second Comedy Central special. It's gonna be great. No, Mommy, I don't wanna wear the pink bow. Peanut: He even does this in his sleep. Ha! What a freak! Paige Dunham: Would you idiots give it a rest? José Jalapeño: [to Paige] Would you like to see my stick? Paige Dunham: Aaaaaaaah! (hides under blanket)
Jeff: Wait, there was an avalanche? José: Achmed started it. Peanut: We told him not to bring that bomb! Jeff: He brought a BOMB? José: On a stick! Jeff: Why did he bring a bomb? José: I think he's a workaholic. Jeff So, what happened after the avalanche? José: We were trapped in the snow for three days! Jeff: Wow. Did you have anything to eat? Peanut: [Whispers to Jeff] A jalepeno! José: You're a sick bastard!
Walter: Shut the hell up! (condescending mock laughter) also, I don't give a damn. Achmed the Dead Terrorist: Silence! I keel you! ("kill" sounds like "keel"), Stop touching me!!! Peanut the Purple Woozle: (quickly) That's good-ity, that's good, that's gooooooooood! Melvin the Superhero Guy: Da-da-da-dahhhh! José Jalapeño on a Stick: On a steek! (often interjected within segues) Bubba J: I've been watchin' NASCAR and drinkin' beer! Sweet Daddy Dee: Ha haaa! (moves his top lip to make a 'tssht' sound)
Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Do you like it here? Peanut: I love it here! It's beautiful, it's sold out, the place is paid for; we must be on an Indian reservation! And these are all Indians! Jeff Dunham: Look, Peanut, first of all, the politically-correct term these days is "Native American". Peanut: [whispering] Oh, yeah, good! [normal voice] Well, I certainly wouldn't want to piss them off. They could try and scalp me, but all they'd get is a fishing lure! [nods]
Achmed: I've got a favor to ask of you, infidel. Jeff: What? Achmed: When we're finished here, will you come caroling with me? What? Jeff: You go Christmas caroling? Achmed: Oh, yes. I love to Christmas carol. Jeff: Like, what do you sing? Achmed: Umm... "Bin Laden is Coming to Town", "O Holy Crap..." [singing to the tune of "O Holy Night"] Oh, holy crap. I think I blew my foot off... [audience laughs] And then my favorite: "SILENCE! Night." [audience laughs again] Thank you.
Jeff: How do you spell your name? Achmed: Oh, let's see, uh, A... C... phlegm... [audience laughs] Silence! I keel you! Jeff: So Achmed, if you're a terrorist, I'd suppose you have some sort of speciality. Achmed: Yes, I am a suicide bomber. Jeff: Ah. So, you're finished. Achmed: What? Jeff: You've done your job. Achmed: No, I haven't. Jeff: But you're dead. Achmed: No I'm not. I feel fine! Jeff: But you're all bone. Achmed: It's a flesh wound! (Audience laughs) SILENCE! I KEEL YOU!
Jeff: What have you actually blown up? Achmed: A woman. Jeff: You blew up a woman? Achmed: She was inflatable. You know, an inflatable virgin! I had to stop seeing her. Jeff: Why? Achmed: She popped. [imitates balloon losing air] She ended up on the chandelier. She'd been there before, but not like that! Jeff: Where do you find an inflatable virgin? Achmed: Right next to the inflatable goats! [audience laughs] Oh, come on! Like you've never done that! Seriously, how far are we from Iowa?
Achmed: Last week, I thought I had scoliosis. Jeff: [snickers] Well, What did you do about the scoliosis? Achmed: I went to the doctor. Guitar Guy: What happened? Achmed: The idiot said, "Hey, let's take an x-ray!" [audience laughs] I said "You idiot, how 'bout a freaking Polaroid! [audience laughs] It's the same thing you mor-(his feet fall off the stand) Oh, not this crap again! :(audience laughs)
Peanut: Actually, if you look at it it says Jefuh-fuh com. Jeff: What? Peanut: Jefuh-fuh. Jeff: Fuh-fuh? Peanut: You're using an unneeded f! Am I pissing you off-fa-fa? (audience laughs) Jeff-fa-fa? (audience laughs) You know, the weird thing is I am actually pissing him off. And he would like to kill me! But he will not because that would be a form of suiciiiiide! (to Jeff) You want to kill me Jeff: No. Peanut: Yes. Jeff: No. Peanut: Yes Jeff: No. Peanut: Yes. Jeff: No. '''Peanut: ''(imitating Darth Vader)''''' Search your feelings, Jeff-fa-fa!
Jeff: All right, listen, Achmed, I have something to tell you. Achmed: What? Jeff: You really are dead. Achmed: Are you sure? [Jeff nods] I just got my flu shot! Jeff: You really are dead. Achmed: Wait, if I'm dead, [gasps] that means I get my seventy-two virgins! [looks at crowd] Are you my virgins? I hope not! Jeff: Why? Achmed: There's a bunch of ugly-ass guys out there! If this is paradise, I've been screwed! Jeff: Well, is there anything that said there'd only be female virgins? Achmed: Holy crap! (Achmed realizes) Wait, I could have Clay Aiken!
Jeff: Can you stop a speeding bullet? Melvin: [pauses] Once. [audience laughs] Shut up! It hurts like hell! Jeff: Can you leap tall buildings in a single bound? Melvin: Why the hell would I do that? There's really not a lot of call for that! Jeff: Superman does that. Melvin: (scoffs) Showoff! I'd rather just avoid the fuss and walk around the F-ing thing. (audience laughs) I can't curse. But I think the president should. Jeff: The president? Melvin: Yeah, think about it. We've had the A-bomb, we've had the H-bomb, now it's time for him to drop the F-bomb!
Jeff Dunham: [to José] José, I don't know how you put up with this. José Jalapeño on a Stick: I have nowhere else to go, Señor. Peanut: He was evicted. Jeff Dunham: You were evicted? José Jalapeño on a Stick: Sí. Jeff Dunham: Why didn't you come to my house? [Peanut snickers] José Jalapeño on a Stick: Ask Peanut. Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] Why didn't he come to my house? Peanut: [laughing hysterically] We told him you loved eating Mexican food! José Jalapeño on a Stick: I was afraid for my life. Jeff Dunham: [to Peanut] So where'd you take him? Peanut: …TACO BELL!
Jeff Dunham: Anything else, Walter? Walter: I don't know. Last night, I couldn't find a place to park anywhere near this stinkin' joint. Then some jerk pulled up in a brand-new Mercedes, goes right in the handicap spot. He got out of the car and there was nothing wrong with him! Don't you hate that? Audience: Yeah! Walter: So I ran his ass over. I made an honest man out of him. Then his mother got out on the other side and started swinging her crutches at me! Took her out with the door. Jeff Dunham: Didn't you feel bad? Walter: Hell, they can carpool.
[Jeff almost drops José Jalapeño.] Peanut: Whoa! Oh, dude... I thought you were gonna drop him, oh, jeez... that woulda been... funny as hell! José: Do not drop me, Señor! Jeff Dunham: I won't drop you, José. José: I would then be José Jalapeño on the floor! Peanut: Do a little tap dance and we got salsa! Jeff Dunham: That's terrible! Peanut: Not with the right kind of chips, it's not! Jeff: Stop it! I'm sorry, José. José: It's okay. I kick his ass later. Peanut: I'll turn your ass into guacamolé! I'll stir you with your own stick! This is the way we stir the guac, stir the guac, stir the guac! OLE!
Peanut: I love comin' here to, to... this town right here. Jeff: Which town? Peanut: This one. Jeff: Which is? Peanut: The one we're in right now! Jeff: Peanut, where are we? Peanut: Dah... you don't know? Jeff: I don't think you know. Peanut: We're in so many damn places I FORGOT! Jeff: Well think about it for a second! Peanut: All right all right all right! ...Damn. Jeff: Drive from the valley? Peanut: Was bad as hell! Jeff: Traffic? Peanut: Sucked like hell! Jeff: Drivers? Peanut: Angry as hell! Jeff: And you? Peanut: Were scared as hell! Jeff: Parking here? Peanut: Sucked more like hell! Jeff: So? Peanut: WE'RE IN HELL!! [looks at crowd] And these are our Hellmates!
[talking to Melvin, The Superhero] Jeff: So you're married. Does your wife have any powers? Melvin: Well, once a month... she becomes evil! And I cannot defeat her! Our children flee in terror! Our big dog cowers under the couch! Jeff: You have a big dog? Melvin: Actually, I borrowed your Chihuahua! Jeff: You know, Superman has a dog. Krypto, he has all the same powers as Superman does. Melvin: That's ridiculous. If Krypto sniffs your crotch, he'll suck your lungs out your ass! If he humps your leg, you'll be in traction for a year! Jeff: Do you have an arch-enemy? Melvin: Pinocchio! Jeff: So, do you have a weakness? Melvin: Cupcakes....and porn. [audience groans/laughs/claps] Well, not at the same time. I need a free hand!
Achmed: [to the tune of Jingle Bells] Dashing through the sand, with a bomb strapped to my back, I have a nasty plan for Christmas in Iraq. I got through checkpoint A, but not through checkpoint B, That's when I got shot in the ass by the U.S. Military! [audience applauds] SILENCE! I'm not finished! And this is a sad song! Oh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, mine blew up, you see. Where are all the virgins that Bin Laden promised me? Oh, Jingle bombs, jingle bombs, U.S. soldiers shot me dead. The only thing that I have left is the towel upon my head. I used to be a man, but every time I cough, Thanks to Uncle Sam, my nuts keep falling off! [Jeff and Guitar Guy look down at Achmed's pelvis.] Stop looking, you perverts! My bombing days are done, I need to find some work Perhaps it would be much safer as a convenience store night clerk. Oooh, jingle bombs, jingle bombs, I think I got screwed, Don’t laugh at me because I’m dead or I kill you!
Sweet Daddy Dee: I'm what you call a Player In the Management Profession! Jeff: Right. Sweet Daddy Dee: P.I.M.P.! Jeff: You're a pimp? Sweet Daddy Dee: That makes you the ho! Jeff: I'm not a whore! Sweet Daddy Dee: What do you do for a living? Jeff: Make people laugh. Sweet Daddy Dee: Make em feel good. Jeff: Yeah. Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho! Jeff: That's not right. Sweet Daddy Dee: Why do you do what you do? Jeff: I enjoy it and it's the best way to make money. Sweet Daddy Dee: You the ho. Jeff: Wait, what if I said that I do it, only because I enjoy it. Sweet Daddy Dee: You the dumb ho. Jeff Dunham: So, what ideas do you have for my career? Sweet Daddy Dee: First thing I gotta do is school you in street! Jeff Dunham: Street? Sweet Daddy Dee: Word. Jeff Dunham: [confused] What? Sweet Daddy Dee: Word. Jeff Dunham: What word? Sweet Daddy Dee: [confused] What? Jeff Dunham: You said "word." Sweet Daddy Dee: Word. Jeff Dunham: What word? Sweet Daddy Dee: Aw, snap! What the hell?! Dawg, "word" is like, "I heard dat." Jeff Dunham: Heard what? Sweet Daddy Dee: Oh, shit. Dawg, you ain't white, you are neon white! You're so white, you make Barry Manilow look like a brother! Jeff: I like Barry Manilow. Sweet Daddy: (gasps) Are you gay?... I heard about the lotion.

End Jeff Dunham Quotes