Jack Benny Quotes

73 Quotes Sorted by Search Results (Descending)

About Jack Benny

Jack Benny (February 14, 1894 – December 26, 1974), born Benjamin Kubelsky, was an American comedian, vaudeville performer, and radio, television, and film actor. He was one of the biggest stars in classic American radio and was also a major television personality.

Born: February 14th, 1894

Died: December 26th, 1974

Categories: American actors, Comedians, Television personalities, Radio personalities, Jews, 1970s deaths

Quotes: 73 sourced quotes total (includes 2 about)

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Words (count)153 - 48
Search Results1310 - 90
Jack: What's the matter?
Jack Benny: I'm thinking I'm thinking!
Throughout Jack's violin solo at the Hollywood Bowl, the audience was glued to their seats. That was the only way he could get them to sit down.
About Jack Benny
• Zubin Mehta in Irving Fein, Jack Benny: an Intimate Biography (1976), Volume 2, page 154.
• Source: Wikiquote: "Jack Benny" (About Jack Benny)
Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.
Rochester: Oh oh.
Jack Benny: That star has five points.
Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.
Thug: [repeating] Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'
Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?
Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?
Thug: This is a stickup! Now come on. Your money or your life. [long pause]
Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.
Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened.
Jack: I know, but peanut butter?
Rochester: I think I cut you.
Liberace: What do we have for dinner?
Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?
Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?
Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am.
Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.
Jack: No, I just want to reach 40.
Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?
Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.
Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?
Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.
Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine.
Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?
Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.
Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.
Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.
Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.
Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?
Clyde: Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.
Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win.
Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?
''''Clyde:'''' Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?
Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?
Clyde: Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.
Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.
Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy. [Jack decides to have a shave]
Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.
Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network. [mouths ABC]
Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.
Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
Jack Benny: Does it have to be both? [Jack picks up a jar from the dresser]
Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood. [Rochester has started shaving Jack]
Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants!
Clyde: I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble.
Clyde: I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.
Jack: Gee, I never thought of that. [on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him]
Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?
Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.
Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.
Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?
Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor at a P.T.A. meeting.
Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here. [Puts hand on heart]
Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.
Clyde: General Electric. [our heroes have been captured by a tribe on cannibals, and are standing in a large pot]
Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
Clyde: You're telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.
Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope. [At Liberace's House]
Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.
Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out. [Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head]
Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?
Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets. [Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]
Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy. [Our heroes enter a jungle clearing carrying a tiger on a pole]
For a man who was the undisputed master of timing, you'd have to say that this was the only time when Jack's timing was all wrong. He left us much too soon. He was stingy to the end. He only gave us eighty years and it wasn't enough.
About Jack Benny
• Bob Hope at Jack Benny's memorial service; reported in William Robert Faith, Bob Hope: A Life In Comedy (2003), page 392.
• Source: Wikiquote: "Jack Benny" (About Jack Benny)

End Jack Benny Quotes