George Carlin Quotes 1–30 of 114 Quotes

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, singer, voice artist, and comedian, noted especially for his irreverent attitude and his observations on politics, language, psychology, and religion, as well as some taboo subjects.

Below are 30 of 114 sourced George Carlin quotes. Sources and related information appear under each quote. Use the 'Cite this quote' link to get citation references.

“I was on a talk show recently, and the host asked me, "What do you think about the dope problem?" I said, "Definitely, I feel we have too many dopes." No question about it. That's why we have a drug problem, I feel; it's because everyone has access to drugs...it's all those DRUG stores, right? Every three or four blocks, there's a big sign: "DRUGS", "Open All Night – DRUGS", "We Deliver – DRUGS", "Cut-rate DRUGS"... it's the biggest thing on their sign: "Cosmetics – Sundries – DRUGS". Carlin, George, perf. FM & AM. Rec. 25 June 1971. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1972. Vinyl recording.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#1

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#1

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#1

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#1

Source: FM & AM (1972)

“When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. They never mention coffee. The low end of the speed spectrum, I grant you, but there are coffee freaks. And they're walking around, nobody worrying about it.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#2

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#2

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#2

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#2

Source: FM & AM (1972)

“Birth control pills are still on prescription. You still need a note to get laid.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#3

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#3

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#3

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#3

Source: FM & AM (1972)

“Some day birth control will come off prescription, and they'll need those cute little catchy names like the patent medicines have...some day birth control pills will have names like, "Preg-Not"! Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! Something lofty and poetic: "Nay Family Way"; something earthhy and crude: "Mom Bomb"; something for the youngsters, "Junior Miss"; here's a real man's product, "Inconceivable"! "Mommy-Not", "Fetus Fail", "Kiddie Kill", "Papa Stopper", "Womb Broom", "Humpty Dumpty"... I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe"!”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#4

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#4

Source: FM & AM (1972)

“And athletes, athletes got into uppers, college athletes. The right wing's last line of defense on campus. They're doing amphetamines. Remember when "being up for the game" was kind of a spiritual thing? Now, man..."You up for the game?" "(pop, pop) Been up all week, man!"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#5

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#5

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#5

Source: FM & AM (1972)

“I used to be Irish Catholic; Now I'm an American. You know, you grow. Carlin, George, perf. Class Clown. Rec. 27 May 1972. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1972. Vinyl recording.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#6

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#6

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#6

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#6

Source: Class Clown (1972)

“O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain for strip-mined mountains' majesty, above the asphalt plain America, America, man sheds his waste on thee and hides the pines, with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#7

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#7

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#7

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#7

Source: Class Clown (1972)

“There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" But he can't say, "I think he hurt his balls on that play, Tony, don't you?"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#8

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#8

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#8

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#8

Source: Class Clown (1972)

“And the other two-way word is "prick". It's okay if it happens to your finger; yes, you can prick your finger, but don't finger your prick!”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#9

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#9

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#9

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#9

Source: Class Clown (1972)

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“If you take five white guys and put 'em with five black guys, and let 'em hang around together for about a month, and at the end of the month, you'll notice that the white guys are walking and talking and standing like the black guys do. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! We won the big game today, yes sir!" But you'll see guys with red hair named Duffy going, "What's happenin'?"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#11

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#11

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#11

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#11

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

“It was in 1951, when I was 14, when grass swept the neighborhood. We hadn't been into grass before, we were into gang fighting, and wine and beer in the park, and punching the shit out of people, and having jackets with your name, and your girls were your 'debs', and you had turf, and all that dumb shit, and we would get into fights over girls...and then pot came along and gang fighting went away. In one semester, in shop class, all the guys went from making zip guns to hash pipes.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#12

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#12

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#12

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#12

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

“Spoiler: advertising man says, "It's Good!"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#13

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#13

Source: Occupation: Foole (1973)

“The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone … Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.Carlin, George, perf. Toledo Window Box. Rec. 20 Jul 1974. Monte Kay, Jack Lewis, 1974. Vinyl recording.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#14

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#14

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#14

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#14

Source: Toledo Window Box (1974)

“Hansel and Gretel discovered the ginger bread house about 45 minutes after they discovered the mushrooms.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#15

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#15

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#15

Source: Toledo Window Box (1974)

“I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood. Especially if it's me!”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#16

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#16

Quote source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Interview With Jesus"

“Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#17

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#17

Quote source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Interview With Jesus"

“"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass".”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#18

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#18

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#18

Quote source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

“And, of course, the funniest food: "kumquats". I don't even bring them home anymore. I sit there laughing and they go to waste.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#19

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#19

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#19

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#19

Quote source: A Place for My Stuff (1981) "Fussy Eater, Pt. 1"

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“Let me arrive safely back at my hotel room. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. Don't let my beard become entangled in the gears of a transcontinental bus. And don't let me be hit by a flying turd.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#21

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#21

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#21

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#21

Source: Carlin on Campus (1984)

“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#22

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Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#22

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#22

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#22

Source: Carlin on Campus (1984)

“Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? First thing- "Hey! It was stolen!" It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. And even if it's something that anyone would really want that much. "Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#23

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#23

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#23

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#23

Source: Playing With Your Head (1986)

“There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.”

— George Carlin

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For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#24

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#24

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#24

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#24

Source: Playing With Your Head (1986)

“And you know, I always wanted to work in a delicatessen just so that a woman would come in one day and ask me to give her some tongue. And I'd say "Well, I don't get off 'till four o'clock." And she'd say "Well, I don't get off at all. That's why I'm looking for some tongue!"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#25

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#25

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#25

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#25

Source: Playing With Your Head (1986)

“And now, ladies and gentlemen, that we've enjoyed some good times this evening, and enjoyed some laughter together, I feel it is my obligation to remind you of some of the negative, depressing, dangerous, life-threatening things that life is really all about; things you have not been thinking about tonight, but which will be waiting for you as soon as you leave the theater or as soon as you turn off your television sets. Anal rape, quicksand, body lice, evil spirits, gridlock, acid rain, continental drift, labor violence, flash floods, rabies, torture, bad luck, calcium deficiency, falling rocks, cattle stampedes, bank failure, evil neighbors, killer bees, organ rejection, lynching, toxic waste, unstable dynamite, religious fanatics, prickly heat, price fixing, moral decay, hotel fires, loss of face, stink bombs, bubonic plague, neo-Nazis, friction, cereal weevils, failure of will, chain reaction, soil erosion, mail fraud, dry rot, voodoo curse, broken glass, snake bite, parasites, white slavery, public ridicule, faithless friends, random violence, breach of contract, family scandals, charlatans, transverse myelitis, structural defects, race riots, sunspots, rogue elephants, wax buildup, killer frost, jealous coworkers, root canals, metal fatigue, corporal punishment, sneak attacks, peer pressure, vigilantes, birth defects, false advertising, ungrateful children, financial ruin, mildew, loss of privileges, bad drugs, ill-fitting shoes, widespread chaos, Lou Gehrig's disease, stray bullets, runaway trains, chemical spills, locusts, airline food, shipwrecks, prowlers, bathtub accidents, faulty merchandise, terrorism, discrimination, wrongful cremation, carbon deposits, beef tapeworm, taxation without representation, escaped maniacs, sunburn, abandonment, threatening letters, entropy, nine-mile fever, poor workmanship, absentee landlords, solitary confinement, depletion of the ozone layer, unworthiness, intestinal bleeding, defrocked priests, loss of equilibrium, disgruntled employees, global warming, card sharks, poisoned meat, nuclear accidents, broken promises, contamination of the water supply, obscene phone calls, nuclear winter, wayward girls, mutual assured destruction, rampaging moose, the greenhouse effect, cluster headaches, social isolation, Dutch elm disease, the contraction of the universe, paper cuts, eternal damnation, the wrath of God, and PARANOIAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#26

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#26

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#26

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#26

Source: Playing With Your Head (1986)

“I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration. Two-hundred and twenty-five of 'em, so far! 225 different people in the Ronald Reagan administration have either quit, been fired, arrested, indicted or convicted of either breaking the law or violating the ethics code! These are the same people who were elected with the help of the moral majority. Elected with the help of the moral majority and the Teamsters union. That's a good combination! Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America.”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#27

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#27

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#27

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#27

Source: What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“Next time you're at a wishing well. Doesn't happen often. Next time you're at a wishing well ask to see the manager! Tell him you've been coming there for 10 years and none of your wishes have come true. Either you gimme my money back—or I'm shittin' in the well!”

— George Carlin

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Use the following citations in bold to cite the above quote for reference purposes. To cite multiple quotes, use the cite this page section below.

For general use. A combination of the APA, Chicago and MLA citation styles.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#28

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#28

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#28

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#28

Source: What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

“It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard, that's our history! We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. Am I right? A group of slave owners who wanted to be free! So they killed a lot of white English people, in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out of the rest of the red Indian people, so they move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? "You give us a color, we'll wipe it out!"”

— George Carlin

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#29

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#29

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#29

Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html#29

Source: What Am I Doing in New Jersey? (1988)

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Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html

Use APA (American Psychological Association) for education, psychology, and the sciences.

Carlin, George (2021, August 4) George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes. Retrieved from https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html

Use Chicago style for business, fine arts, and history.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” QuotesCosmos.com, edited by QuotesCosmos, 4 August 2021, https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html

MLA Citation: Use MLA (Modern Language Association) style for the humanities, especially language and literature.

Carlin, George. “George Carlin Quotes: 1–30 of 114 Quotes.” Last modified August 4, 2021. https://www.quotescosmos.com/people/George-Carlin-quotes.html

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